


Losing Your Memory

by JaeRianL



Series: Multifandom Songfic Series [1]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Demons, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Murder, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 14:42:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9239402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaeRianL/pseuds/JaeRianL
Summary: After Spencer is killed, Derek and the BAU change completely.- I suck at summaries but I promise that the story isn't as simple as the summary. This story could be triggering as it mentions subjects such as alcoholism (though not thoroughly) and suicidal thoughts/behaviours so if you are triggered by topics like this, please don't read it. -





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fan-fiction is inspired by part of the song Losing Your Memory by Ryan Star (which I found while watching a Reid YouTube fan edit by the way) and fell in love with the song.

The weak frame of the twenty nine year old man lies against the harsh brick wall, his hoarse voice no longer able to call out to anyone in a desperate plea for their help. His gushing gunshot wound bleeds regardless of how much the man tries to stem the bleed by putting pressure on it. Weakly, the young man pulls his outdated cell phone from his trouser pocket and automatically calls the first person who comes to mind, and immediately the person picks up the phone.

 _Call all your friends_  
_Tell them I'm never coming back_

“What’s up pretty boy?” The dying man’s lover asks him caringly; unaware of anything that could be happening to the man he was so in love with.  
“I’m sorry Der...” the younger man trails off, struggling to form three words let alone a sentence.

  
“Spencer? What’s wrong? You never call me Der.” The older lover exclaims, before putting his phone on loudspeaker and muttering something to someone, not that Spencer could work out what he was saying.

  
“I’m dying Der... shot... say goodbye.” Spencer struggles to utter, knowing the black spots he could see were an indicator of the severity of his wound.

 _'Cause this is the end_  
_Pretend that you want it, don't react_

“No! You’re not dying Reid, you’ve gotta live, for me, for Henry, for the team, for your mom!” Derek says, his usually calm behaviour gone completely to replace his concern for his lover.

  
“It okay... love you Der... love team... love mom.” Spencer mutters weakly, accepting his fate, pretending it was alright.  
When Derek tries to initiate another conversation with Spencer, only to get illegible mutters and groans, he gets Penelope to hurry up with tracing the call.

 _The damage is done_  
_The police are coming too slow now_

“Not fault... love you... night.” Spencer finally utters, not having the strength to say anything else, or do anything.

  
“Please no man, I need you to stay awake, to stay alive babe, please.” The normally emotionless Derek chokes out, tears streaming down his face, urging him to stay alive, to hang on for the police and EMTs he’d called for him once he’d figured out something was wrong.

 _I would have died_  
_I would have loved you all my life_

Spencer garbles out something that resembled Derek’s name before succumbing to his injuries, lying peacefully with a weak smile, having felt the love and emotions for his lover and his family. Within minutes of his death, the police and the EMTs arrive in the dingy alleyway the genius had died in, the shocks rippling through all of them who knew the young man and what he’d done, as well as what he would’ve been capable of doing. Respectfully, the police drape a white cloth over the young man, covering him from the public eye. The police chief, who had worked with Spencer and his team on more than one occasion, rings Hotch, asking for all of his team to make their way to the alleyway Spencer had been found in, breaking the news to them.

  
Within a less than legally possible time, Hotch, JJ, Garcia, Rossi, Prentiss and Morgan make their way to the alleyway, where time seemed to slow down and nearly stop. Hotch’s formerly stoic demeanour had crumbled, a tear trickled down his face and the gasp of fear and shock he released proving that he did indeed have emotions, contrary to what most believed. Rossi, although not as close to Reid as the others had been, showed shock and concern for the rest of his teammates, and for good reason.

  
Upon looking at the converses covered in blood and the mismatched socks, JJ had sunk to the floor in the alleyway, not paying any attention to the disgusting fluids on the floor as she sobbed heart wrenching cries, her screams echoed off of the walls enclosing the members in their worst nightmare. Emily’s reaction, with less screams, sobbed for the friend she had so recently lost and found again, as she sank against the wall, rocking herself back and forth, muttering how it couldn’t be possible.

  
Penelope had gasped loudly before clinging onto JJ on the ground, her chest heaving as she let out similarly heart wrenching sobs, begging for her “Junior G-Man” to come back to them, her happy behaviour disappearing completely. Spencer’s lover tried to run to his boyfriend’s body, only to be held by Aaron as he had done for the later when Haley had been killed. Morgan’s resolve crumbled immediately and he clung to Aaron as he released some of the most depressing sobs any of the profilers had heard in the face of the loss of a loved one. The typically strong man held onto Aaron as if he was a lifeline, his worst fear having happened.

 _You're losing your memory now_  
_You're losing your memory now_

Derek lies in the cocoon of his blankets, trying to numb himself from the pain he’s been experiencing for the past five days. His mind continuously replayed all the memories the lovers had experienced, from when Spencer had joined the BAU, Tobias, Reid’s drug addiction, anthrax and what lead to the start of their relationship. The man, having lost weight from his lack of eating over the five days of hell he’d experienced, doesn’t notice when his teammates enter his unlocked house, the silence affecting the man in more ways than he’d want to admit.

  
It’s only when he hears Garcia sigh of concern and hurt for her best friend that he decides to poke his head out of his cocoon and shudders from the sensitivity to light he’s experiencing. Penelope’s soothing voice coaxes him out of his hiding place and whilst her, Rossi and Aaron go downstairs to create the man the first meal he’s had in almost a week, JJ and Prentiss stay upstairs with Derek to support him. The pain doesn’t go away, nor does the tears streaming down his face, but it helps him not being so alone for a little while.

 _You're losing your memory now_  
_You're losing your memory now_

The day of Spencer’s funeral hits Derek much harder than any of the emotions he’d been feeling while waiting for his lover’s body to be released by the morgue and the local police officers investigating his murder. In the church, he sees his, what could have been, husband’s body laying in the basic dark purple coffin, wearing a black and white chequered shirt, a black tie, his usual black cardigan he wore constantly at their house, some black slacks and of course, mismatched socks and black converses. Derek has to bite his lip harshly and blink repeatedly so he doesn’t breakdown once again, instead waiting to do so at a later time, most likely after the service was over and his lover had finally been put to rest.

  
When it’s time for Derek’s eulogy, the man nearly stumbles and runs out of the church there and then. However, knowing how much Spencer wouldn’t want him to do that (or maybe him not wanting to do that to Spencer) the older man stands behind a wooden stand, where most would deposit their bibles or cue cards; however Derek uses neither of those objects, instead he says it off by heart, having repeated it more times than Derek would care to admit. His eulogy, which was about ten minutes long (Spencer would know how long it took me to the second Derek thinks sadly) doesn’t leave a dry eye in the house, even Hotch, the ever so emotionless acting male shed a few tears.  
Once the ceremony is over, and the coffin bearers (Aaron, David, Will (along with Henry), Ethan, Morgan and most surprisingly William Reid with Gideon) take his coffin out to the plot he had, walking as one, closely followed by Jack Hotchner, the rest of the team (former members and current ones) and his friends he’d met many years prior at university and the ever so strong Diana Reid, and one by one, they each place a purple lily on top of the currently closed casket, Derek’s one with an engagement ring he’d never given to his love on the stem before they all walk away, the team embracing one another in fear of losing anyone else.

 _Where have you gone?_  
_The beach is so cold in winter here_

Within six months, the dynamic of all their lives had changed immensely, Aaron gave up his position as unit chief, passing the role onto David, simply because it had dawned on the single father how precious life was, so if Aaron smiled more, and held onto Jack a little while longer, no one mentioned a thing. David, not as effected as the others in the team, continued with his work, however to ensure that his fellow intellectual was never forgotten, he made sure that he acknowledged Spencer in his future books, making sure the world never forgot what an incredible person and profiler he was and could well have been.

Garcia, a formerly loud and outgoing person toned down the way she acted, and although she smiled and flirted with people, creating nicknames which seemed most absurd to people, her outfits weren’t nearly as flamboyant, her office had more photos of her with Spencer and their other co-workers. The major effect of Spencer’s death however, was that she could never call anyone a nickname which resembled the ones she had given Reid over the years. Emily had disassociated herself from everyone, her personal demons getting the better of her once again, a battle Spencer would have confronted her about immediately. Instead, Emily took up an offer she’d received from Interpol and after three months, she was the head of Interpol in England, chasing international UnSubs, not forgetting the memories from the BAU.

Derek and JJ were hit the worst and after 6 months, their views on life had changed immensely, just not necessarily the right reasons. JJ had quit the BAU two weeks after the funeral – having given her two weeks’ notice immediately after – and she, along with Will and Henry moved back to New Orleans, Will still working in the police force while JJ stayed at home, like Aaron treasuring the time she spent with her boys at any available time. Derek however went down a seemingly never ending downwards spiral, jumping from one man to another, and one woman to another, drinking his life away in an angry rage. His dependency on these means to cope soon leads to his early retirement from the FBI. To no surprise, he ends up getting a girl pregnant in a one night stand, and he is contacted by the woman and a partial custody agreement for the daughter is determined before she is even born.

 _And where have I gone?_  
_I wake in Montauk with you near_

Once Derek’s daughter, Alessia Joy, is born, he is forced to move from Virginia to Montauk, New York so he could have some contact with his daughter. His drinking habits worsen, the only time he’s remotely sober are the few hours a fortnight he has with his daughter, not wanting to give anyone ammunition to give his daughter’s mother full custody and him to lose the only thing he thought made his life worthy. Derek’s sex life stops once he contracts an STD, although treatable, and he realises the harm he could do to himself even more than he has. He tries to battle his demons, tries to find the strength to contact the now medicated Mrs. Reid and apologise to her, tries to visit Spencer’s grave, and tries to keep in contact with his former team mates, but no matter how hard he does try, it is never good enough for him to do anything.

 _Remember the day_  
_'Cause this is what dreams should always be_

When it reaches the first anniversary of Spencer’s death, Derek crashes, he pays his child support but stops visiting his daughter, stops trying to stay alive or well, he just stops functioning. Reminiscing on the past, he decides to write all of his emotions down onto paper, expressing his wishes of this being a dream, that it was one sick, twisted and bitter dream that he could never wake up from.

 _I just want to stay_  
_I just want to keep this dream in me_

The day before Spencer’s death hits Derek like a tonne of bricks and suddenly, all he can do is remember the day before his true love had died, how they’d stayed at home, lazing around, just being in each other’s company was enough. But this life, he couldn’t see how he could live in it any longer, his inner profiler screaming at him to call Aaron, David, even his baby girl and get help. But he couldn’t. He had struggled with his demons for a half a year, and was on the road to recovery, but his crash would be the end of him. Texting his friends and family a final farewell, he gets the gun he’d had for over a year, as well as the anti-depressants he’d been given a year prior but never used and a bottle of vodka, he washes down the pills with the alcohol, before muttering a final goodbye heard by no one and raising an unsteady hand, pulling the trigger and finally succumbing to his demons, a year after losing the love of his life, the darkness ever so welcoming to him.

 _You're losing your memory now_  
_You're losing your memory now_  
_You're losing your memory now_  
_You're losing your memory_

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you didn't think my work was too bad, this is the first piece of fan-fiction I've ever written and felt happy about to post, if you have any comments or criticisms just leave them, also this work is isn't beta read so if there are any clear mistakes I'm sorry.


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